Happy Birthday Daddy (:
Although this wishing posted here is late. Haha. I think this gonna be a long post. I've got lots to say...
I'm sorry dad, I didn't fulfill my job as a good daughter. I had been thinking alot ever since my dear sis's dad passed away.. I somehow feel this bitterness within myself. I've been thinking that although my daddy is rough, although he bashed me up when I was much younger and canned me when I was little. All this is his way of teaching, he grow up in a hash environment thus all this canning, bashing and vulgar scoldings occur in my life. I shouldn't blame him at all. Cause, I'm the one who is asking for it. Dad had once told me, even if you can't afford something you must not steal it. And, I stole something before. See, I'm asking for canning right. And I know that you feel bad, you feel that you're useless because I'm behaving like a child whom got no parents to teach. But daddy, please do believe in me. Have faith in me. Although I know you had given up on me 80% long ago. I can only blame myself for all my doings. But I'm not regretful.
Cause I do learn something from all of my mistakes.
Thief - I don't steal now, I've stopped it since I was in Secondary School (Sec 3).
Fights - I don't look for fight now, although sometimes I say I would fight but thats all my
bullshits. But of course If someone were to beat me up, I won't just let that person beat right?( Cause I remember this clearly: If you were to fight with someone, keep on fighting even if you'll lose, keep on fighting even if you'll die.)
Cigarette - I've started to smoke when I was in Primary 3 going to Pri 4, that was like 10 years old. So I had been smoking for about 10 years. I'd promised my dad, my dear, my sis and friends I will try to quit. But I know this will take a long long time.
Vulgarities - I've been using hokkien vulgarities since K1 K2. (Pardon me people.. I'll tell you why later on.) I've try my very best to cut down the amount of vulgarities used. I guess some of you had realise it? Laughs.
Anger - I have a very very very bad anger. I still can't fully control it... After so much councling I'm still like can't control it very well. Well, But I think I do manage to cool myself sometimes well its sometimes. -.-
Laziness - I KNOW I AM VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY L-A-Z-Y! BUT!!! I've try not to be lazy from that day I learn that losing someone dear to you is so painful.
My dad teaching might not seems to be so nice. But that his way of teaching me to be a better person in life. He grow up in a poor family. My parents divorced when I was 9. He used to can me even its minor mistakes. When I turned 6, I stopped tearing from beatings. Cause I know that I'm asking for it. After my parents divorced, I shut down all my feelings. I don't feel anything. Till I was in middle of my Primary 4 life, when someone named Pan Ying Wen come in to my life. She's the one re-opened my feelings. 1st feeling I opened up was Anger. She provoked me, bullied me till I can't take it anymore. (Note: I got no friends when I was young. Even in K1 K2 all the way to Primary 4.) And soon we become friends. And even though she treat me like a idiot. Cause I wanted a real friend. But soon when I reached secondary school I've met new friends and some of them are my good friends till now. (: And I decided to cut all my relationship with Pan Ying Wen, who always trying to ruin my life in anyway.
All these while, my daddy is also my mummy. One person feeding 2 children by working odd jobs, if there's work there's income. ( That up to this day.) All the hardship in life that I've been through when I was young. My dad is there even though is the hardest for him. (*This happened when I was 9yrs old to 10 yrs old) *He was jobless when they divorced. No money for himself, no money to feed us. Luckily enough for us to survived through this stage of life. I remembered, we 3 shared a plate of rice. We walked from Commonwealth to Tiong Baruh to visit my grandma.
And my grandma and some friends of my dad some relative is the life saver at this stage.
(All these had become apart of my sweet memories.) Hahas. Then after 1 year, he found a job. But he got no time to cook, do laundry and look after us. So he send us to my big aunt's care. Life there wasn't good. But I'm very thankful for that seriously. When we was under my aunt's care. We were treat differently from my other cousin who is also staying over there. Whats the different? lols, We( Me and My Brother) had all our meals outside the house. Meaning we just put some newspaper on the floor at the common corridor and have our meals. We can't have afternoon naps like my cousin. We can't watch tv as and when we like. We can only do something if my aunt give her permittion. My brother often got bullied by the other 2 cousins. Beaten Up, Scoldings, Pushing, Making Fun Of and lots to come. But I told my brother to keep everything to ourselves. My dad, who is working already by then often visits us when he finish his work in the evening. We often meet up at the place he hangs out just one road away. The short walking distance wasn't pleasant too. Right under my aunts block, there's this group of malays age 7 - 13
who is always there to bully us whenever they saw us. There's 6 of them and sometimes 10 of them there. When they saw us, they surround us and start to talk in malay with english and started to bash us up like mashed-potatoes. For the very 1st time I fought with someone, for the very first time I protected someone(My Brother), for the very 1st time I know this world is unfair, for the 1st time I felt that no one is there to help. But I've told my brother to keep everything to ourselves again. I know you'll ask why don't tell your dad? Hahas Because I don't wanna trouble him. I know He is suffering too, most importantly I don't want him to get worried.. Now you know why I hate malays so much. They beat us like nobody business. I fought with them but I chose to run away in the end just darn too much of them there. And once they even threw stones and bricks at us. Me and my brother had bruise all over our bodies. When my dad ask, I'll speak up "I fight with didi". Meeting my dad was the most wonderful thing back then. Even though he got not enough money to survive, he'll buy us treats like ice-creams, sweets and potato chips and chocolates although when both my parents were tgt he'll always forbid us to eat that lols. Meeting him is only a 1hr time after that we got to go back to our aunts place. Going back was hell too. Malays waiting there to beat us up, aunt gonna scold us for meeting up with my dad for "SO LONG". Sometimes inmiddle of the night, I woke up with my nose bleeding and sometimes just crying silently. Life like that..I just want to end it. LOL! And I rmb me and my brother closes friend back then was a Big Black Stray Dog! Name Ah Girl! When we was suffering she's there to cheer us up, and guess what~ She has given birth to 10 puppies back then! 10 solid black puppies!! Haha! Rmb I said we eat meals outside with newspaper on the ground? We always eat half of the portion we and we warped the leftovers with the newpaper and bring it to Ah Girl, and when the puppies is old enough they join in the meals too! But soon all the puppies gone one by one... Our best friend is gone one by one till the only one left is Ah girl herself lols. When I turn 10, things still continues till one day, we had our dinner outside and leave the plates at the gate as we are going to meet my dad at the usual place, my cousin kicked the plates some leftovers was tipped on the floor. My aunt's husband shouted at us "BOTH OF YOU IDIOTS GET LOST NOW GET LOSTTTT!" in chinese. (Ni men liang ge bai chi gei wo kun xian zai ma shang kun kai!) I was angry, I hold my brother's hand and run to find my dad. (No more Malays waiting to beat us up as the older malays there know my dad's friend's son. He saw those malay beat us up. And he told them who my dad was. And they stopped it.) The 1st thing we saw our dad we burst out to tears, and told my dad every single thing. My dad was dam pissed off, he held our little hands tight and said "Sorry, I've let you both suffered." And he bring us back to my aunt place, he scolded my aunt, beat up her husband. And I heard my dad saying "I've given you money to take care of my child. They're my child! Not an outsider's and they're not beggars!" ( I took out the vulgarities) From that day onwards we were under our dad's care back to my old sweet home.
I learnt vulgarities upon hearing adults using it. And I know its meaning after hearing it. Cause everyday in my life, I was surrounded by old mafias LOL I don't wanna call them as gangsters cause they are way too different from gangster you see today.
Now, we've talked and bonded back our relationship with my aunt (:
Ah Girl the black stray dog, has passed away when I was 11 yrs old. R.I.P
PS: When my parents divorced, I will answer "My mum is dead" when ever there is a question asked about my family or mother. Now, My mum is still with us and we've been in good terms already. (:
Been through all this, I should be waking up and do my best in life now right? ;)
Someone told me, its not too late to change over a new leaf.
And now I've found someone I love and someone I want to treasure so much.
It is time, for me to grow up now.
Fruitti Toufu.
Hong Kong style steam fish.
Mango Chicken.
I forgot what's the name of this...
Someone whom I love whom I want to treasure: Daddy, Grandma, Mommy, Jasper Leong, Brother, Sister Lee Xiu Juan and all of my beloved friends.
i love you. -7 weeks, 3 days.
