When I say Te Amor

How alone can it be?

My desktop sucks big time. The 3rd time it went dead, fix it for 2 times already. Have to buy a new one. Now I'm using my brother's lappy and no audition for me. DAMN.

Back home from Gigi's place yesterday night. And I hope she'll be fine when I'm not around with her. Have been staying over for quite sometimes now. Haha and I will be at her place frequently now.

Now that I'm old enough, but I still think I don't have any qualities of being an a adult.
I couldn't make choices for myself. I'm always asking for opinions. Tell me, what am I going to do? Now I'm walking this stage of life with different point of view in life.

I have a choice of what I can be in future, a Pet Groomer & a Enroll Nurse.
Both are my dreams, what I should do to choose between these two?
I can be a Pet Groom after I learn how to groom them and it takes not more then 2 years.
I can be a Nurse after I complete my studies in Maths & Nursing course it will take up more then 3 years. And now, to be independent early or later? Gahhh my brain's gonna explode.

You said you're afraid, I say I'm afraid too. When two hearts are racing for each another, but the minds with thoughts of these. Whose hearts wouldn't feel withdrawal? Despite the feeling of withdraw, I'm still think of you as much as before, and I still loves you. But being together back again hasn't cross my mind. Hurting you I'm also hurting myself in a way or two. We have no answer of how we can be in the future roads. When I say I love you, what your mind are thinking of? I wouldn't know.

I still have so much to fulfil for myself. Only till now, I learn how to love myself. And not just put all the love on the other half.
I wanna visit the doctor for my skin problem, for my fatty issues and a complete health check.
Kinda worried for my health...

All right going to accompany my sweetie pie Shiko now!

Te quiero; Te echo de menos

M'aimes-tu? Vous me manquez? - JLJJ.

How I wish I could have make the right choice.
How I wish I can make the time go back.
If I have one wish, I wish I never think about this decisions at all.
So that, you won't be in this state feeling all this stress.





Sorry my love, its all my fault.
I love you then and I still love you now.
I kept this in my heart so nobody could know it from the start.

Bastard.

If you're thinking I'll forgive or forget this matter after slapping and punching you.
You are so WRONG.
I'll never forget or forgive you on this.

Accusing me not loving you and missing Jasper Leong. And I admit I'm missing him. I can't easily forget about him. Coz after all he is the one whom I love so much before YOU.
But lovey dovey with another girl at my back is a big NO.

If I didn't have the heart for you, why will I fucking let you continue staying with me?
I thought giving you cold shoulders could really give you a wake up call.
But instead of getting better you are getting FUCKING worst then before.
If you can't handle me at my worst, then you don't deserve me at my best.

Now I totally agree I have stamps sticking on to my eyeballs. So fucking pa jiao.

Fuck you this big cannon. Guys like you don't deserve any chance.

Fucking C.B!

从不存在

我爱 我盼

只可惜你不在

我爱上的从来只是幻影

从不存在

我爱 我盼

只怕心已不在

说好彼此要真心对待

说过的话变成了负债

不能向你讨的爱

我怎能锁在心上

说好彼此要真心对待

已经证明撞上了冰山

不能为你留的爱

我最好 忘得痛快

JLJJ

Kill me.

I'm still so bereaved.
I know what's gone is gone.
But I can't find a way to live happily.
Sometimes I think I am a complicated person who I don't even understand myself.
Why am I still so grief-stricken?
Not only because of my dad but also this very person.
I found out that I've lost my smile. I don't really smile from my heart even since then.
I guess, the only happiness I have now is my little love, Shiko my pet dog.
And the Nursing course I appeal I really do hope I can be approved.

Friends of mine are all getting married and having babies.
Kind of envious. Then it suddenly struck me. 10-10-10.
It this possible in the first place. I'm starting to think of it so much.
And I come out with a "impossible." although I really wish it can be possible.
All the pieces I gathered and stick up has too many skepticism. So many doubts.
Like, why is there always excuses for not meeting up? How can it be this and that.
He leave too much puzzle for me to solve. All most all are unsolvable. Even if it can be solved there's still too many confusions.

I feel that was to hide something from me. And thus leaving me guessing this and that.
I got tired out. Maybe you might think why hasn't I get over this yet.
To be honest, though lots of mysteries he's the one who make me feel so wanna settle down. And bingo, I still misses him and I want to solve all the puzzles!
But on the other hand, I kept reminding myself not to.

See that is why I say I think I am a complicated person. Gahh.

Let it go please and forget about it.

My life, a bed of black roses tinted crimson.

Hey-ya CNY's getting over eh. Hah, this CNY to me is so meaningless.
How can a family be happy with a missing member? Laughs.
What a joke heaven played on me urh... Well, it's life nothing last forever.

2 is better than 1? Memories? All this blah blah blah, love sucks as much as life.
But still, we humans kept falling in love even though it sucks so much.
Worst is we fall in love with the WRONG one. And worst of the worst, sometimes we just can't simply forget about it. Darn isn't is? Why bother to love those who'd fucking hurt you?
Cause they simply knows we're totally in-love with'em and then they can start all their shits.
It's fucking wrong to do that seriously. Why don't they have retributions? God gotta Fuck em hard.

I'm always ranting for the same old damn thing again and again.
I wonder, am I regretting it now.

Goodbye to you, once my invisible lover.
It is a high price to pay to fall in love with someone like you.
And it's a love with no outcome NO NOTHING.

They are the same. They're, the silent murderer.

I've caged myself at home. I refuse to get in contact with anyone except for Anu.
Anu, my boyfriend now who had been through all the downs with me ever since the first day he said he would be there.
And true enough, he did. But why? Why can't you do the same as well JLJJ?
Cause you were just using me like a kid playing with the toy. Isn't it.
And now I don't even know why do I still think of you at times. I really don't.

Life's is so meaningless at all. Imagine, every one's blaming you for the death of someone.
And yea, they pointed fingers exchanged remarks saying ''You're/She's the cause of the death of your dad''. And my dear dear mother, she yelled at me when we was there to collect the remains of my passed away dad at the mortuary accusing me of causing his death infront of every relative and every of my father's friends. Cool huh? And yea that makes me a murderer.

One thing they didn't know, they long ago murder me. I'm just a zombie-fied human walking on earth. Interesting urh? Well I do agree I murder my dad, if I had stepped out of my house earlier I could have met him halfway to the MRT station and maybe I could have just save him.
Stated in the death certificate of my dad, Hypertensive Heart Disease. And you all blamed me of causing him to have Hypertention which lead to his death?

Have you ever wonder, who is the one who make life so difficult in the first place? My dear Mum. It was you. If you hadn't divorce with father when he is out of job, leaving us behind with nothing at all. Let us be motherless and being mock by other people and being bully just because of your selfish reason. If is was not you, I could have strive better. All because I don't have mother people treat me in a different way. I start to hate everything. I hated every single thing in my life. And a old-fashioned strict father like mine, do you think life's good? But still I pull through, and whatever I've done seems wrong. Where the hell did I go wrong? Being compared since secondary school isn't good at all. I did my best in my studies and finally got 2nd in class when I was in secondary two. I thought this will make my father happy and feel proud of me. But alas, he just sit there saying its not good enough and shakes his head throughout. But he praised my brother when his result was far more worst then mine. He got all just passed not even a top 10 in class. Since then, I really hate schooling and you might have guessed right, I become rebellious. I fought with people, I make trouble everywhere.

And then I become so useless, why? Cause to my dad, everything I've done was wrong or it was not good enough, never good enough. So I just do whatever I like. Till then, I always wanted. The taste of drugs. In my sec school life it was just Contact Cement and the pill 5. Then I went for coughing syrups, 5, 15, ecstasy, ketamine. I love ecstasy the most. It was a psychoactive drug with hallucinogenic like properties. (Shall not elaborate more) Afterall, I've stop taking drugs. Its a promise to my dad as well as my bf and my beloved sister.

Then someone who had been through what I am going through now showed up. She talk to me like no one else did. She understand what I'm feeling and everything. It was true that in the first place my dad, my mum, my brother, my relatives did not try to understand me. Cause to them I'm difficult to dealt with. Now, she had stand up for me everyone tries to amend their way towards me. But so sorry, I wouldn't want fake pretender. Cause I know, eveyone of them are all fake. She is my cousin, Cousin Lynn. I really appreciated what she had done for me. And the only one I opened up my heart and confided in her.

But, it won't change the fact that I don't trust anyone in the family except for cousin Lynn.
Cause, they all are just pretenders.

I'm okay now. Cause I know, there's a sky above every one's head. And its the same sky.

My gum's killing me. I have a huge swell at the wisdom tooth area. It's hurting for me to eat or drink. I hope this torture could end faster. Its affecting my speech as well. ):

If by any chance you were reading this, the Song Cry Me Out is for you. -JLJJ.